I feel stuck in my career

and what I plan to do about it

A couple of months ago, I decided it was time to get serious about finding a manager. I had finished a life-changing acting intensive over the summer and felt like an actual artist again, but with my upcoming wedding I felt like I was suffering from severe career constipation. I felt so ready to uplevel, but nothing was happening. Any time I tried to get my arms around what the fuck I was doing, something wedding-related got in the way: I’d try to submit to an audition and the dates would conflict with a wedding-related event. I wanted to take a writing class, but I’d be away on my honeymoon. I wanted new headshots, but I couldn’t rationalize spending money that wasn’t related to the big day. As the final confirmation calls with vendors, dress fittings, and beauty treatments grew more and more frequent, I had little to no brain vacancy for anything remotely career-related. *Cue the shame spiral where I told myself I was lazy and making excuses*

In an effort to obtain a modicum of control and feel like I was still “in the game”, I signed up for a showcase with prospective reps, prepared a scene, and attempted to do Aaron Sorkin justice over zoom, delays and all. During the Q&A afterwards, I asked the array of agents and managers how an actor can pitch themself as a multi-hyphenate in a way that seems legit and not fully delusional. After all, this is Los Angeles; the land of Tom Sandoval wannabes who fancy themselves an actor-model-musician-breakdancer-ventriloquist who’s maybe mediocre at best at one of those things. I had to separate myself from all of those. I hoped to hint at the fact that I was aware of how presenting myself as a multi-hyphenate might not seem legitimate. I needed them to know I’m not some stupid bitch with a dream and a cardigan: I’m a straight shooter. I’m from the midwest. I’m quite literally good— like I- could-make-both-you-and-me-money good— at multiple things! And by the way? Even being able to say that without feeling gross took YEARS of self-exploration and therapy! So honestly, mentally/physically/spiritually? I’ve NEVER been more on top of my game! Both as a person AND as an artist, actually. Did I mention I have over 100k followers on TikTok? I guest host on my friend’s podcast frequently too, and people really like our episodes! I’m stable, I’m happy, I also lost ten pounds this year bytheway, and I got great feedback during a recent casting director panel. You should want to work with this version of me! I promise it’ll be worth it. PLEASE REPRESENT ME. VALUE ME. SEE MY WORTH THE WAY I (think I) DO. PLEASE.

One of the managers answered my question by talking down to me (glottal fry and all) and coldly stating “unless you’re an EXPERT? At those verticals? I wouldn’t lead with that. It’s confusing. Pick one. No one wants to work with a jack of all trades and a master of none.”

It hit me in the gut, but of course I smiled politely and thanked him for his wisdom. And then, as if my confidence couldn’t plummet further into the toilet, I sent him an email the next day telling him I “appreciated his straightforward feedback” and “valued his open communication style”. I attached my materials hoping in some twisted way this man would be impressed and see that I was scrappy, bold and daring in my career decisions. I could take criticism and grow from it. Shit, I survived my high school theatre program, so I could take a little tough love. Maybe that was what I needed to get to the next level anyway— someone who scared me into getting better. A shark who could get me into rooms. Maybe...

I never heard back.

Now historically, I do have problems with taking things too personally, having a liiiittle too much fun feeling bad for myself, and refusing to let things go, but mainly I share this because I don’t think I’m alone here. I don’t think I’m alone in feeling behind, rejected, or stuck as I struggle to find my place in the entertainment industry. Between Covid and the strikes, it feels like those of us regarded as “developmental talent” can never get ahead. Honestly, living in LA feels like high school all over again. We’re all at the homecoming dance, the famous people are the popular kids on the dance floor, and we’re standing on the side all gussied up just hoping one of them will notice us and ask us to join them. We sway awkwardly, trying not to look too hopeful while we patiently await our turn, praying that all the time and effort we put into looking nice didn’t go to waste. Hoping we didn’t hype ourselves up all day for nothing.

But let’s walk this back for a second: I felt guilty and frustrated that I had to take a break from focusing on my acting career to get married to the love of my life and go on our honeymoon. I think we can all agree that’s...super fucked up, right? If my career were my best friend, I’d be like “why do I feel bad for cancelling plans on her when she never asks me for plans?” and “why do I feel bad making myself less available when I constantly see her out on Instagram and she never invites me?” Honestly, I think some time and space apart from my career and obsession with success could have been good for me, but instead I allowed it to feel like a cough I couldn’t get rid of.

I guess what I’m getting at is that us ambitious creatives can easily fall into the trap of putting our lives on hold for our big dreams, and life is too precious for that. I think the trick is to find some sort of healthy balance between being desperate (me on that Zoom call with the manager), and sitting at home rewatching Real Housewives of New York waiting for the phone to ring. We have to enjoy all the non-career related moments, and live full, rich, juicy lives beyond our jobs so when those career-defining moments do come along, they taste that much sweeter.

As woo woo as it sounds, I genuinely believe that creativity and manifestations flow when we focus on what feels good and put our energy towards our curiosities rather than spiraling about the timing of what the universe has in mind. I mean, that’s the crux of that age-old saying “If you want an acting job, book a trip”, isn’t it? It’s that glorious harmony of action, opportunity, and knowing with your whole being that what’s meant for you will never miss you. It’s a constant struggle, but awareness is the first step towards any kind of improvement, so I hope as we chat through this together you can feel less alone in your own career journey, whatever it may look like.

BY THE WAY? I’m SO over the idea that multi-hyphenate actors have to “pick one”, in the words of that manager (who will remain my nemesis for life). Why is it badass when an already famous person decides to expand their career and build an empire, but when someone undiscovered does it they’re told they’re “a jack of all trades master of none”? Why does the world applaud a celebrity who’s an actor/singer/dancer with a perfume line that then becomes a cosmetics line that then becomes a clothing line, but if god forbid I say I want to write and act and create content for a living, I’m regarded as completely unhinged? Respectfully, fuck that and fuck anyone who cosigns that. We contain multitudes! As kids, we enjoyed lots of different things! Who decided that had to go away when you become an adult and was yet another thing for rich, famous people to gatekeep from us normies?! I’M AT THE HOMECOMING DANCE, I LIKE MY OUTFIT, AND I WANT TO DANCE TOO, GODDAMMIT.

So as we sift through our feelings of “blah” and “meh” and “ugh” while the year draws to a close and maybe we get triggered on New Year’s Eve when that kid from acting class posts a reel of the 55 commercials they booked this year, let’s collectively take a deep breath. Let’s enjoy the holidays. Let’s let life be valuable and important outside of our career accomplishments. Let’s rest if we need to rest, create if we need to create, and trust that the rest will follow. Let’s not put our self worth in the hands of managers at a showcase, or anybody else for that matter.

We may not be able to control the industry, but we can control our relationship to ourselves as creatives. It’s on us to relax into our craft, let joy lead the way, and celebrate being bold enough to keep going. I mean, fuck. It’s a radical act of bravery to get dressed up and show up to that high school dance, believing with our whole guts that we deserve to be there. We showed up in our finest Jessica McClintock dress ready to cha cha slide regardless of what fake rules some industry dickhead tried to put in place to keep us from hitting that damn dance floor, so let’s dance. The world needs our moves.